Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong
Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang
Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me
Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang
And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in
And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang
And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
“Everlong” – Foo Fighters
(Sentimental Alert)
While most of what I write is meant to be humorous, embarrassing, and sometimes raunchy in nature, this particular entry is a bit on the mushy side. Sue me. I’m a chick.
It doesn’t matter HOW it’s been broken- a broken heart is a BROKEN HEART.
And wouldn’t it be nice if it were just a physical pain of the actual organ, the heart I mean, that hurt for a bit, but then started to heal on its own. Like a deep cut, or a sprained ankle, the nagging annoying pain would linger for days, maybe even weeks, but then eventually fade, and get better. But not the heart.
Instead, I’ve come to the conclusion that the broken heart does not suffer alone. It attacks every fiber of your being. Dramatic? Sure it is, but let’s break this down a bit.
You fall in love. You fall in love HARD. You basically FORGET about everything else that exists to concentrate on this feeling. You give this person the whole enchilada, both emotionally and physically. You do, say, and experience things that you never before imagined, and in turn, you cannot IMAGINE anyone EVER being able to replace him.
Yes, HIM.
I am, of course, speaking from experience.
For some people, you fall in love once, and that’s it. For others, falling in love is more of a habit. Some never find love. Still others, like myself, have been in love a handful of times, with each experience being DRASTICALLY different from the others.
I’ve been in love, better yet, have loved 3 times. Of course, the greatest love that I could have ever asked for, found me when I wasn’t looking, and I will be married to him for 10 years this September. His love is undeniably the most potent, most life changing, most unconditional and passionate love that I have ever known. He is, and will always be, the love of my life. And I thank god for him every day. He is a strong and confidant man that knows that the best way for me to express my feelings is by writing about things that have happened to me. So there is NOTHING that is being said right now that he doesn’t already know about. He also knows that I never would have met him had I not had a BEAST OF A BROKEN HEART.
So.
Like I said, I’ve been in love 3 times. I’ve already spoke of one. There was another man, more of a child when I was with him, that I loved dearly. But he just wasn’t equipped for the intensity that came with my package. It was a short, tumultuous relationship, but important enough to make a difference in my life. We loved each other, but we were both in very bad places. This led to bad behaviors. This led to falling out of love quickly, and with anger. But LOVE is LOVE, and it makes you who you are.
But my first real experience with love was the one that changed everything.
As I said before, when you fall in love hard, it consumes you. It takes over most of what you know.
In the beginning, this being “consumed” thing is a positive vibe. In the end, it creates the worst pain that you, well...I, have ever known.
And as with most of what I write, I’m sure most of you are wondering where I’m going with all of this, maybe wondering why I chose to write about this particular topic. It started with the Foo Fighters.
SHOCKED?????? I didn’t think anybody would be. So let’s move on.
My very first blog was about my experience seeing the band for the first time at a David Letterman Show taping. I also mentioned that after the taping the band played a song for Letterman for his birthday, his favorite song, a song called “Everlong.”
This song has always been my favorite. Unfortunately, it’s a bit of a love/hate relationship, based solely on the fact that this song was at the height of its popularity during a time when all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hope that no one ever found me.
This song would come on, without fail, during my most vulnerable moments, and just send me sailing off into a sea of remorse and self-doubt. But DAMMIT if I didn’t love this song, and want to hear it over and over. What can I say? The vicious cycle is part of being a chick. Torture yourself, feel like crap, get pissed that you feel like crap, promise not to do it anymore, and then do it all over again the next day. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
WHO KNOWS what the song is really about. (Although I did hear Dave Grohl talking to Howard Stern about it recently, and claims it has something to do with the end of a relationship). I’m sure it means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. To me, it marked the end of a 5 year relationship with someone who I thought would love me forever. Turns out, that after 5 years, he didn’t love me anymore. AT ALL.
And let’s face it, when you’ve convinced yourself that there is no possible way that the relationship you’ve built with this person would ever come to an end, REGARDLESS of all the turmoil and insanity that it created, it pretty much screws you up…ROYALLY.
So, YEAH. It was a strange and eerily significant moment when I heard the song live for the first time. The pang of that broken heart that I had so many years ago, showed up for a brief moment, and in that brief moment, a barrage of memories and feelings flooded my brain.
As I listened to the song, my heart pounded and my ears rang. It wasn’t just the sheer excitement that was pumping through my veins at the sight and sound of my moment with the Foos, it was that COMBINED with the fact that an entire timeline was chugging through my brain.
This timeline chirped around my brain in segments, starting from the moment that I knew that I was in love, all the way up to and including my absolute lowest point. And my lowest point was pretty freakin’ low. It consisted of me pulling my car over to the side of the road, in the middle of rush hour traffic, to throw up, and eventually ended up on my hands and knees, crying. A State Trooper eventually came to my rescue. Poor guy didn’t know what to do with me.
Next segment-me realizing that something had to change.
Next-packing my bags and moving to North Carolina with very little money and a sliver of hope for a new beginning.
Next-loving my new surroundings and friends.
Next-landing a job working on a movie set.
Next-meeting a cute guy who seems too good to be true.
Next-telling myself to steer clear of any new relationships.
Next- saying FUCK IT and giving this nice guy a chance.
It’s amazing what a song can do to you. It can take you back to a time that you thought you had forgotten about. And it can also make you realize just how different things are now from the very first time you heard that song.
In the end, hearing EVERLONG in that studio reminded me that my broken heart, my worst pain, my defeated soul, led me to something that I didn’t even think, didn’t want to BELIEVE..existed.
This song is not my BREAK UP song, it’s my I can’t believe how lucky I am to have the love that I do in my life.
And now, like clockwork, whenever I am in the car with my husband, this song somehow manages to come on. And because my husband knows me better than anybody, he always makes sure to reach over and turn it up as loud as it will go, and smile.
